SHARPEN YOUR LISTENING AND QUESTIONING SKILLS

“Listening is the act of attending to what another person is saying and what he or she is not saying” (Erik J. Van Slyke – 1999). Therefore, to avoid assumption, further questions need to be asked. However, how to ask right questions to find out what he or she is not saying is the challenge.

People respond to events based on their internal pictures, sounds, and feelings. They also collect these experiences into groups or categories that are labeled with words. 

Language is a translation of mental states into words, and in this translation, there is an unconscious process of deletion (not everything thought is said), distortion (assumptions and structural inaccuracies) and generalization (a shift towards absolute statements). Likewise in the hearing, not everything said is acknowledged as heard.

 

Following are EXAMPLES of HOW to use your questions to clarify/restore/ challenge the language from the speaker:

Speaker’s language

Your questions

  1. “We have to fix that now!”

(generalization)

What would happen if we don’t?

  1. “That news makes me angry!”

(distortion)

How does that news cause you to choose to be angry?

  1. “I can’t do that!”

(deletion)

You cannot do what, specifically?

What prevents you?

  1. “This customer never likes me!”

(generalization)

Never? How many times you have met her?

  1. “You are aggressive as other bosses!”

(deletion)

I’m aggressive about what, specifically? Tell me more about other bosses that you know

 

Obviously, to be able to ask these questions, you need to listen actively to identify the patterns.  This technique refers to the Meta Model in NLP. It is a tool for listening, understanding people, establishing the rapport, encouraging the person to explore the thinking behind what they are saying. Therefore, it also provides a means of subtly coaching a person in better ways of thinking.

HOW TO LEARN THE META MODEL TO SHARPEN YOUR ACTIVE LISTENING AND QUESTIONING SKILLS?

Like all NLP skills the Meta Model is best learned interactively and with hands-on coaching from an experienced Master NLP Trainer. 

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